Boats, beer, and pick up lines.

My dad and I have this tradition where we go to San Francisco for a day at least once whenever I come home from school. It’s one of my favorite cities in the world and we’ve been going since I was old enough to see grown men in pink spandex without having nightmares – which was pretty early because I was an open minded kid.

When we go, we don’t really have a plan because we never have a plan for anything. We kind of shrug and walk around until we find something cool looking or someone interesting to talk to – which, in a big city, can be equal parts awesome and terrible. We do, however, have landmarks that we aim for every time and a sort of unwritten “schedule” that we’ve grown to like.

For instance, we usually start the day early to get down to the city around noon so that we can walk around the farmer’s market at the ferry building. A farmer’s market may not really seem like a jolly good time to many people, but you have to understand how big of a thing produce is in our family.

My dad has worked in a produce company for twice the time I’ve been alive or more, and it’s his wheelhouse. Is this tomato a hothouse or a roma? Ask dad. When is dragonfruit in season? Ask dad. Which type of lettuce is most or least prone to premature rusting? Ask dad.

I grew up in the business with him, running around vegetable warehouses in pink tutus. My first job was even at the same company, building displays for festivals and writing their weekly newsletter. Pretty neat, right?

Doesn’t sound integrated enough? Let me tell you about Bananimals. Bananimals were a line of stuffed animals that Dole created that consisted of animals fused with – you guessed it – bananas. If Cabbage Patch could make kids like veggies, Dole figured they’d corner the market on fruit-based-amusement.

I grew up with these as my stuffed animals, playing with beloved BananaPup alongside traditional Beanie Babies and Barbies, wondering why they could all be bananas. This was my life.

So a farmer’s market is pretty much some of the best fun my dad and I can have, and the extensive San Francisco farmer’s market is a definite must. We typically spend an hour or two comparing the quality of different vendors’ cherry colors or radicchio freshness.

After that, we usually walk down towards the Fisherman’s Wharf down at Pier 39 and catch the Powell-Mason trolley to China Town. Eddie Izzard was completely right when he said that everyone instantly turns into a rhesus monkey when they get on to a cable car – age 21 and I will wait out three cable cars to get a space hanging on the outside if I have to.

We’ll browse markets in China Town for a couple of hours – he buys Bao and I buy an obscene amount of rice candy and we snag the cable car back down to the Embarcadero to get dinner.This trip was especially sweet because I got to have my first legal beer with my pops over nachos – even if a 14 oz Corona Light is obscenely expensive on Pier 39 because it’s next to the ocean. 

After dinner, we’ll usually just wander around until it gets dark enough to leave. This weekend, however, Captain Dave caught our attention.

Sunset cruise, fifteen dollars, Golden Gate, Alcatraz, we got beer, fifteen bucks!!!

People who own boats down by the pier frequently use the boats to host cruises or fishing trips to help make some extra cash – by day, Captain Dave hosted fishing trips. However, this fifteen dollar cruise was enticing, because most cruises are closer to thirty bucks and only hit one landmark. Plus, this guy was hilarious and a bit crazy, so we liked him immediately.

Once aboard, we meet his co-boaters, Junior and another guy whose name I never did catch (sorry man). We also met Charlie, the most chill dog I’ve ever met in my life. Charlie patrolled the sides of the boat, even while we were moving, despite being small enough to fly off the side with a large swell. When he got tired, he walked into the steering area and sat in a cat bed on the dashboard of the boat (boat enthusiasts are probably cringing here as I know zero appropriate boat terminology).

Anyways, this ended up being the best boat ride ever, as well as one of my best trips to SF because of these dudes. They were absolutely hilarious and not scripted, just trying to have fun and make some money. We got to talking with the Cap’n Dave, and he found out I was visiting from college in Michigan. He assumed the appropriate response was to tell me to drive the boat.

I immediately panic because I drive a Mazda (adequately) and I saw zero people sign waivers, but he insists so I put on my captain pants and drive the damn boat, assuming the wheel wouldn’t actually do anything and it was all a ruse.

I turned the wheel and the boat turned. I was actually steering, which is empowering and frightening at the same time. He gave me a few pointers, and after a moment said “I got shit to do, don’t crash” before running out to take pictures of people.

I was the captain.

When he came back, I assumed he would take the wheel from me and steer us under the Golden Gate Bridge, as planned. Instead, be brought me a beer, cheers’d me, and told me to speed up.

That’s right, folks, I drove a freakin’ speed boat through the Pacific ocean under the Golden Gate Brigde while drinking a craft beer. I’m cooler than you – or I was, for at least an hour.

Proof of my irresponsible boating

He took the wheel back after we made it under and told me to go enjoy the view; under the Golden Gate at night-time, when it’s all lit up, the view is pretty spectacular. Cap’ns co-boater, Junior, ends up hanging out with my Dad and I taking pictures and chatting and generally being a nice dude. During the conversation, he made a remark about Instagram and found out that I don’t use it, which led to much teasing on both ends.

Junior took a picture of the bridge as we were driving/boating/moving away, and I sarcastically ask if it’s going on Instagram. And then, he produces the smoothest pickup line I have ever heard:

“Actually, I was going to send it to your phone, but I don’t have your number.”

Honey, if I didn’t already have a man and live in Michigan, you may have gotten them digits because that was the best pick up line I’ve heard in a while.

Thank you guys, because my dad and I had the most fun ever on your boat cruise.

Bonus blurry photo of my Casanova.